2nd Decision

Someone recently asked the question, “What advice do other SAHM’s have for one just starting out?” Feeling clever, I replied right away, not really thinking the answer through.

Since then, I have pondered the “advice” I gave out so haphazardly and have come to the conclusion that I should probably adhere to my own “words of wisdom”. I am, in no way, an expert (or even a novice for that matter) in the field of motherhood but I don’t think that necessarily matters; I think it mostly comes down to being confident in my abilities. Sure, sometimes her clothes are on backward and sure, sometimes I forget to give her a bath; the important thing is she is a healthy, well-adjusted little girl who brightens the world we live in everyday.

Updated resume of the SAHM I want to be:

#1. Patient

#2. Confident

As I’m sure you are all on the edge of your seats by now, clinging to the hope that I may, just may, enlighten your daily lives with the aforementioned “advice”; here it is:

(Pause for effect)

1. Always count to at least 5 before reacting

2. Tell yourself to laugh in a situation you know you want to cry or scream – when you do, you realize more times than not, the situation is actually really funny. (even though you now have to wash peanut butter out of the dog’s hair for the second time today)

3. Always have a bottle of red wine on hand (or your “Mommy’s Special Drink” of choice.)

And finally,

4. Take everyone’s advice with a grain of salt – it’s your train, you get to pick the track!

Good luck! You’ll do great!

I mean, come on, Mother of the Year, right?

(Pause for laughter)

Games are fun

I love hearing stories from my various friends who have children. It makes me feel so much better knowing that they are going through the same things. I was recently having a playdate at my friend’s house and heard an interesting recap of her previous day.

“S” is a working mother (god bless her) and usually doesn’t have several days in a row without daycare so, during Christmas break, her head was beginning to spin. She called me over for a reality check.

I quickly threw on my SAHM rescue hat and grabbed a bottle of champagne – that’s how we do playgroup – and was at her door in no time (aka – 2 hours later). I walked in to find “S” walking around the corner holding a small pair of pants and a cute little, pantless toddler running up and down the hallway waving her arms in the air while screaming unintelligable words. I knew I was in the right place.

I put my my daughter down, ran to the kitchen and poured two glasses of champagne.

After the girls settled in playing in “S’s” daughter’s room, we retreated to the sofa to talk about our days. As she sat down she remembered something funny about the sofa. Apparently, “J”, her husband, had taught their toddler a new game.

Rules to “Sofa Jump”

1. Remove all cushions from sofa and place on floor

2. Climb up on sofa and jump several times to get the blood flowing

3. Count to “3″ and jump onto strategically placed cushions

4. Repeat steps 1 – 3

5. Don’t tell mom

The unforeseen complications to this obviously well thought out, safety conscious game were not “J’s” fault of course – he did read their daughter the rules after all. No big deal if their toddler leaves out rule #1 and goes straight to rule #2, right? And who cares if she adds a rule of her own:

Addendum to “Sofa Jump”

#6. Land squarely on top of dog while she is napping

Looks like the SAHM rescue team was just in time! We had a great laugh about it, finished our champagne, poured another glass and checked on the kids.

(For official rules and guidelines to “Sofa Jump” please call 1-800-sillydaddy)


Good Intentions…bad hair

So you know that one friend you have who you love dearly but doesn’t have kids and, in turn, just doesn’t “get it”? Under most circumstances, they always have good intentions but then there are those times you are slapped in the face with the reality that they do not have kids. I recently had one of those times.

It was a Sunday and we were trying to get out of the house to meet my parents for breakfast. My husband, who works weekends, had already left for the day but my girlfriend was on her way. I figured, great, I can have her keep an eye on my daughter while I finish getting ready.

I sometimes forget what that means to those without children.

As I was throwing on “public-worthy” sweats (let’s just face it, a clean pair of pjs) and pulling my hair into a pony tail, I overheard the following:

“Oh wow, what did you find? Wow, that’s pretty neat! Ok, let’s put the top back on.”

Hmmm…I thought, this can’t be good. At least she caught it in time and was aware of the situation, right?

Nope.

I peeked out to the living room, not fully dressed mind you, and spied the item without a top previously mentioned – a jar of Vasoline. Wow, it was a good thing my friend caught it beforehand because I could be sure she would again this time and think to move it to a high, out of reach position, right?

Nope.

I finished getting dressed, we were 10 minutes late by this point, and came flying out to the living room ready to grab the kid, throw her in the car and jet off to breakfast. What did I find, you ask?

Turns out a large amount of Vasoline can end up in a small person’s hair in a very short amount of time. Now, I would blame my friend but she did only have a couple minutes to update her Facebook status via iPhone and this was the perfect time.

I really can’t stand those iPhones.

Well, at least she was there and could quickly help me wash the petroleum jelly out of my daughter’s hair so we could get on the road, right?

Nope.

“Holy crap – it’s all in her hair!” I hint to my dear friend on the sofa.

click-click-click-clicky-click

“We’re going to be so late!” This time it wasn’t as much of a hint. Still, she clicks away – someone had to comment on what that guy said about Creed, right?

Note to parents: Vasoline does not easily remove from hair.

After trying the towel method for a while, I resigned to the fact that a hat was going to be necessary. It was at about this time I heard a rustle from the sofa,

“Oh, dude. That was totally my bad, huh?”

In her defense, her comment on Creed was funny.

Mommy’s breakfast order: (1) egg, (2) Bloody-Mary’s

1st Decision

I have decided, on my journey to discover what kind of SAHM I want to be, that patient may be on the tip-top of my list.

It’s so easy to slip into that bubble of “everything sucks”; to go through the day feeling like the world is against you. The thing is, it’s ten times easier to breathe, look at the day and say, guess what – I’ve got this! It seriously takes a ten pound weight off my shoulders when I just take a deep breath, assess the situation and have patience with the process. It makes me such a more enjoyable person to be around. If there’s one thing I learned from my ex-boyfriend (and, trust me, it was only one) it was that no one wants to be around someone who’s unhappy all the time.

Well, there’s my words of wisdom for the day! I guess I should start a list of things I want to include in my SAHM resume:

1. Patient

Good start so far I think.

PS – I realize I’m coming from a standpoint of only having one child and there are probably those moms and dads out there with three kids running around, throwing milk at the dog and ripping out the ficus so, to those parents, I bow to you! I’d never say no to some words of wisdom from your end, seeing as though we are looking into trying for a second very soon. (I just threw up a little)

I mean, come on

Ok, let me start this off by saying I love my husband very much. He is a wonderful father and a great man.

That being said…holy crap! Sometimes I just want to look at him and say, “Seriously? Seriously? Are you freakin’ kidding me?”

He walked into our room this morning and said, “Honey, I did the worst thing. I can’t believe it.”

I’m thinking, what, did he not clean the dishes like I asked…AGAIN or did he forget to feed her breakfast….I mean, come on; how bad could it be?

It was bad.

“What Honey? What did you do? I’m sure it’s fine.”

“I forgot to put a diaper on her last night before she went to bed.”

!!!!!!??????

My daughter is not potty trained and she sleeps through the night. How the hell did he put on her pajamas, snap them all the way up and not notice a little vagina was there without a diaper! Seriously? Seriously? Are you freakin’ kidding me?!

Cue Mommy changing sheets, doing laundry, etc., etc. As my good girlfriends often say, “Livin’ the dream, just livin’ the dream.”

Note to self: tomorrow replace bedside table lamp with bottle of wine.

To get the ball rolling

I found this as I was searching for my own blog (can’t find it – not a great start) and I feel like it is a great way to start things off.

Here’s to the mom whose kid is sporting a rat’s nest bedhead to the park. I like you.

Here’s to the mom who lets her child dress in tutu’s with overalls, in highheels and purses, in outfits so mismatched –it looks like you brought your three-foot baglady to the park.

Here’s to the mom who is too busy to send out ‘thank you’ letters, too numb at the end of the day to switch from day clothes to pajamas. Here’s to the moms who have forgotten to brush teeth. Here’s to the mom who looked at their dirty kid and said, “When was your last bath? What’s today… Wednesday?”

Here’s to the mom who makes Easy Mac, who doesn’t cut the crusts off, who has a dirty bathroom. Here’s to the moms who sometimes yell, who spanked once and immediately cried afterwards. Here’s to the moms who have dropped the f-bomb in front of their linguistically spongy kid. Here’s to the moms who bicker with your spouse and who drink a glass of wine when their toddler has a melt down.

Here’s to the mom who wonders what it’s all about, and goes to bed at night knowing that in twenty years her child will be discussing her in therapy. Here’s to the moms who turn on cartoons so they can take a shower, or go to the bathroom uninterrupted.

Here’s to the moms who bake from the box, rather than scratch. Here’s to the moms who have ever had a screaming toddler stand in the shopping cart at Target with their lip out and arms crossed. Here’s to the mom who has felt the judgement from parents with perfect little angels. Here’s to the moms who have crayon drawings, like toddler hieroglyphics on their walls, and stained furniture, who have nothing new and therefore nothing to ruin.

Here’s to the moms who read all the discipline books and still have ‘unruly’ children, here’s to the moms who have kids that just “take off,” that pee in the backyard, that say things in public like, “Why is that man so fat?,” and “I can see his butt crack.”

Here’s to the moms who don’t have a dishwasher, or maid, or laundry room, and here’s to the moms who do. Here’s to the moms who work, who stay home, who give and give and give until they are empty vessels watching reruns of Law and Order at night.

Here’s to the moms who go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. Here’s to the moms who have messy closets and dusty shelves. Here’s to the moms who haven’t shaved their legs since 1972.

Here’s to the moms who read, who read to their children, who teach love, who hug as much as scold, who understand that a tantrum is a necessary part of growing up – and so is that glass of wine.

I have no idea how moms and dads that don’t drink, do.

Here we go…

Yesterday, as I sat watching my 20 month old daughter nap, I realized I could take advantage of this time and get some housework done, workout or catch up on my correspondence.  I know one of these things would be the good SAHM thing to do, and I really did consider one or two of the choices but, then I realized I’m just not that kind of SAHM.  I feel like I’ve tried so hard to be the “right” kind of SAHM but I don’t think I’ve ever figured out what kind I actually want to be.  I am not a SAHM who has it all together, who knows the preschool breakdown, who uses all organic food.  I have no problem with these moms, I am just not them. I find myself hoping that doesn’t make me a bad mom.

My mom has been telling me for months (insert “mom” voice here), “You should start a blog! You’d be so great at it!” My responses have been the obligatory, “That sounds like fun” and, “You’re right, I should”; although I’ve never really looked into it…until now.  I thought, who knows, maybe this is the path to discovering what kind of SAHM I am or the kind I want to be.

So, after pouring my glass of red wine (btw – if you’re not on board with that, I’d decide now whether or not you want to read on), I joined the world of the bloggers.  Hopefully it all works out!

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